The Terror of Camp Half Blood
by Schizophasia
Summary: Camp Half-Blood receives one of the best - or is it worst? - visitors it's had in a long time.  Mary Sue parody.


**Disclaimer: This is NOT a serious fanfic, and I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.**

* * *

"Nico?" a timid, yet confident, voice asked.

He turned around and saw a petite girl looking at him expectantly. Almost instantly, he noticed that she was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, with her waterfall of straight, shiny, butt-length blonde hair and her perfect, pearly white teeth. And her eyes! They were a deep dark purple color; Nico could swear they saw straight into his soul.

"I'm Diamond Penelope Rose, the new demigod here. I'm sure you've heard of me? I was wondering-"

"NO!" Nico screeched. "I'm not interested, okay? I am sick and tired of all of these random girls chasing after me. Honestly, you'd think they'd have something better to do. I'm not even the main character!"

Upset by his little rant, Diamond began to sniffle. "I'm sorry," she said in a tiny, endearing voice. "I just wanted to know where I could get lunch, that's all. Honest!"

Nico felt horrible immediately. How could he have been so rude, jumping to conclusions about such an innocent girl? "Look, I'm really sorry. I'll take you there right now. Just…don't cry, okay?"

She brightened immediately. "And afterward, do you think you could keep me company? I have this huge problem, you see, where all of the guys keep hitting on me. It's like a curse. I _know_ I'm pretty and everything, but it's gotten really annoying. I much prefer _your_ company."

"You're not merely pretty…" Nico said, then his mouth dropped open. What the _hell_ had he just said? "No! Forget I said that, okay? I…just leave me alone! You don't belong here, anyway."

This time, Diamond began to cry in earnest. Somehow noticing this from the Poseidon cabin where he had been making out with Annabeth only seconds before, Percy dashed over to where Nico and Diamond were standing. "What are you doing?" He said to Nico angrily. "You're such a jerk! I mean, what sort of guy makes a perfectly nice kid cry?

"I'm not a kid!" Diamond pouted. When she was certain everybody around was staring at her, she began her tragic tale. "I was born thousands of years ago in Greece. I raised myself, because my mother died when I was just a baby, and my father was never around. I know he's a god, even though after all this time, I've never been claimed. But anyway, as I was growing older, Aphrodite became jealous of me. She feared that when I grew up, I'd be more beautiful than she was. So she cursed me, so I would never age."

"Oh, Diamond! That's a terrible story!" Percy said sadly.

"It's okay. I'm used to it, though I have suffered quite a bit."

Greatly moved, Percy gallantly took her arm and offered to show her around camp himself. Several other boys (and some girls, too) glared at him jealously.

* * *

Along with lunch came a rather grim warning.

"My callow young campers," Dionysus announced, "Chiron has been telling me that he senses a monster nearby. Now, the best thing it could do would be to eat you all up, so I'll warn you: whatever you do, _don't_ carry your weapons around for protection. Stay unarmed at all times."

Chiron cleared his throat. "In the meantime, we should all welcome our new camper Diamond Penelope Rose." He smiled at her, and demigods from every table gave her a standing ovation.

* * *

In the days that followed, Percy and Diamond became inseparable. She trained with him – or rather, she trained him, because she proved to be adept with almost any weapon given to him. She was faster than him in footraces and on the climbing wall. And somehow, she managed to do all of this without breaking a sweat.

* * *

It was a clear, beautiful night, the sort of night Annabeth normally would have been enjoying with Percy. However, she hadn't even spoken with him since Diamond showed up.

Annabeth hadn't been able to sleep, so she was going for a walk near the shore. Suddenly, she heard an annoyingly familiar voice. "What are you thinking about?"

She looked around wildly, and spotted Diamond, leaning on Percy's shoulder. She was looking at the water, but he just couldn't take his eyes off her. "I'm thinking," he said slowly, "that it can't go on like this." _Thank the gods_, Annabeth thought. _He's finally seeing some sense_.

"What do you mean?" Diamond asked, her voice trembling.

"It's not you. Well, actually it is, but it's not your fault. I mean, you're…" Percy fumbled with his words, then tried again. "You're absolutely gorgeous. You're stronger than I am, cleverer than Annabeth, insanely talented, so musical you could be a daughter of Apollo…what I'm trying to say is, you're a million levels above me."

"Oh, Percy!" she said, her voice full of emotion. She leaned in close, tears glistening on her lush eyelashes.

Annabeth turned away hurriedly, but it was too late.

* * *

She waited until she was certain Diamond was sound asleep. Then, she snuck quietly into the Hermes cabin. Sure enough, Diamond was there. She simply radiated with innocence in her slumber; it made Annabeth want to vomit. But she had a job to do.

She crept up to the other girl's bed – there was no way the others in the cabin would have let her sleep on the floor – and drew her knife.

As she brought it down, something happened. Diamond's skin glowed with all of the colors of the rainbow, like some sort of shield. The knife couldn't penetrate it.

_Great. So now she can't be killed, either_.

Then, Diamond woke up.

* * *

Not long after, Annabeth caught up with Nico. "We have to do something about her," she muttered. Several of the campers gave her evil glares. News of the near-stabbing incident had spread like wildfire, and most of the demigods resented her for it.

"What can we do?"

"I have a plan-"

"Of course you do."

"Shut up. I'll execute it, but you have to cover for me."

"What are you going to do?"

"It's better if I don't tell you. That way, you can stay clean. But your part is easy," she added hastily, seeing Nico's apprehensive expression. "All you have to do is talk to her tonight at dinner. Pull her aside for a few moments. And _don't_ fall for her trickery."

Nico watched Diamond nervously. How was he going to pull this off? She was just so…gorgeous. She wouldn't give him a second glance, much less talk to him. He whacked himself on the head; he was already making the mistake Annabeth had warned him against.

Diamond's hips swayed as she moved toward her seat. She began to eat without first offering a tribute to the gods. Her reasoning, as she'd told anyone who would listen (which really meant everybody), was that since the gods didn't pay any respect to _her_, she wouldn't respect them. Somehow, Dionysus had seen enough logic in her statement to not turn her into a rat.

Nico marched towards her, determined to not lose his focus. "Diamond," he said. "We need to talk. Now."

"Oh, Nico, I'm so glad you came!" she gushed.

Was it that easy?

She led him away from the others, and said in a low, anxious voice, "Nico, I'm awfully tormented."

She had an incredible body, with curves in _just_ the right places, and her breasts…wait, what had she just said? "What do you mean?"

She hesitated. "Well, Percy is wonderful and everything, but I never got over my attraction to you. I think I love you more, but I just can't decide!" She looked up at him, her amethyst eyes shimmering. Had he mentioned her beautiful eyes yet?

She wrapped her arms around him, and she tried to kiss him. Nico probably wouldn't have stopped her – he was just about paralyzed, but Annabeth saved him.

"Nico!" she said indignantly. "I thought…um…shouldn't you eat something?" she came up with lamely.

His face burned in embarrassment. "Good idea," he muttered, and walked away without looking at either of them. Diamond returned to her own table, where Percy soon joined her.

"What's up?" he asked nonchalantly. He swiped a few of her French fries.

"Percy, don't eat those, they're…" Annabeth said desperately. He ignored her, of course. Moments after eating the fries, however, he collapsed and began to convulse on the spot. Annabeth went pale.

Diamond screamed. "He's been poisoned! Somebody help him!" she cried in despair. After hearing her beautiful, anguished voice, all of the other campers rushed to Percy's aid, but none of them knew what to do.

As she watched Percy grow still before her, with glassy eyes and blue lips, Diamond made her tragic decision. A single glistening tear rolling down her smooth cheek, she began to chant in Ancient Greek. She and Percy began to glow with the same rainbow hues as before.

Suddenly, Percy coughed and began to sit up. "Diamond…what's happening?" he asked. "Did you save me?"

Diamond smiled at him sadly. "Yes, I saved you. But to do so, I have become weak…Percy…"

"Diamond, no!"

"I…love – oh!" Before she could finish her heartfelt words, a Stygian iron sword impaling her through the chest interrupted her.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Nico growled. "I hope my dad tortures you for _eternity_ for what you've done." He pulled his sword out of her, and she dissolved. Purple sparkles floated to the ground where she'd been only moments ago.

The campers all blinked, confused. What had just happened?

Dionysus showed up, too late to be much help. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"We found your monster, Mr. D," Nico said calmly.

* * *

"Annabeth?"

"What, Seaweed Brain?"

"What was Nico talking about, when be said he'd found a monster?"

Annabeth sighed. "Camp Half-Blood was infiltrated by a Mary Sue, a monster worse than any other."

"Don't you think Chiron or somebody would have noticed if there was a monster in our camp?" Percy objected.

"Sues can go virtually undetected, sometimes for long amounts of time, under the guise of perfection," Annabeth explained. "Most humans are too distracted by their unquestionable beauty to notice what isn't right. Other traits include penchants for tragic pasts, special and glittery powers, and sometimes even-" Annabeth winced slightly, "_orbs_ instead of eyes."

"Okay…then can you tell me what happened in the past week or so?" Percy's memory was blurry, as if he needed glasses to remember things. He could remember a person named…Diamond Something-Or-Other, and…French fries.

Annabeth was puzzled. "You mean you don't remember? Oh!" she exclaimed. "It must have been the poison that messed up your memory."

"Poison?"

"Never mind. You really don't want to know. But a Sue got in a few days ago and Nico helped me get rid of her."

He asked her more questions, but she clammed up and refused to elaborate.

* * *

**A/N: I have no problem with well-written Percabeth, or sometimes even NicoxOC, but… I read some Percabeth Revolution fanfics and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to write this. It was fun, even though I had no idea how to end it.**


End file.
